Reagan's Slideshow

* That's me and Reagan. I was probably 8 or 9 and she was either 4 or 5.

So I've began working on my sister's Graduation Video/Slide show. It's turning out great. Decided to use the two songs you hear playing on the blog. It's actually harder (emotionally) than I thought. The first part of the slide show is starting from when she first came over to the states till high school (song playing will be Send Me On My Way). The second half is her and her friends in high school (song playing will be Graduation Song). What makes this hard is realizing how much she means to me. Going thru old pictures and trying to put songs and words to the pictures is very emotional for me. I want to see her grow up and become more of a young woman than what she already is but at the same time...I don't. I want to stay young, play in the sandbox, ride our bikes thru the sprinklers, play dress up, get in trouble together. :( Like I said before in a previous blog, we are becoming distant in some things but closer in others. She is my best friend and I just can't believe she's graduating. I cam remember the days I would drop her off at her 1st grade classroom as I went onto 5TH GRADE (that's right...I was a big kid!).

My sister and I had this play gym in the yard. The wooden kind with a blue tarp over head. It had a slide, two swings, and a bar to swing on. Surrounding the whole jungle gym was a HUGE sandbox. When Mom was on the phone (not paying attention to us), we'd go get the garden hose and fill that sand box up to the rim with water! Oh, my dad would be SO mad. Sand was spilling over into the grass, mosquitoes were constantly around because it took FOREVER for that water to drain! Needless to say, we only got away with it 3 times but it was awesome.

Back in Ft. Morgan, CO is where I truly spent my younger childhood years. My parents restored an old 1900 house (it was a corner house). I thought I was the coolest kid cause I had TWO address! My front door was on Grant St and my side (garage door) was on Bijou. To my dismay, it was wishful thinking and kinda dumb. Well, in the restoration and rebuild, my parents turned the attic into this nice carpeted, window seats, and TONS of storage play room. In Colorado the houses are built much different than here in Texas. Like, our attic and basement wasn't just a room, it was just like another full level. So our play 'room' was huge. My mom is a huge sewer and always would make us dress up clothes. My sister and I spent hours playing and dressing up. We would get into fancy dress up dresses (I liked the poofy ones that were big when you spun around) go to the jungle gym and play house. We would make our neighborhood kid our butler. We named him Cadberry. LOL! He was some red head kid with glasses. His mom was mean! She had a "No Soliciting" sign in their window. Someone told me at some point in life that that sign mean that kids weren't allowed to ring the doorbell at those houses. So, when it was time for us to play house and we needed our butler, we would just stand outside his house and he'd just happen to see us thru his big living room window.

When we moved here, I was in middle school and she was in elementary school. Then I was in high school and she was in middle school. Our lives didn't split, but we were in separate places in our lives. We always were close. When we weren't hanging out with friends or she being dragged along to my sport events, we'd hang out....watch movies...sit and talk...whatever we wanted to do. I'm going to miss those times. Not saying they won't continue on but it just goes back to how I don't want things to change. Time has already changed for our family but reminiscing is good. I have a wonderful family who I love and cherish. Don't know what I would do without them.

The Yuckies!

* Traded couches with a friend. Her couch fit my house better and my couch fit her house and decor better. What do you think?

The past day and a half I have been held up in bed with the yuckies. I'm always getting sick. The medicine I have to take for my adrenal stuff lowers my immunity. There's a pro and con to everything.

Spoke to Gerwin here and there. He is off still in Dubai serving the United States. The more I talk to him the more greateful it makes me for the life I have. Not saying I wasn't greatful for the life I have been given, just saying he really puts things into perspective. The internal turmoil he goes thru between loving his family and his 'adoptive' family. The turmoil of not really feeling like you have a true 'home'. Not only did he move from the Philippines when he was 9 but once he got to the US, he and his adoptive family bounced around moving from one place to another. He has never known security as I have. Granted, my dad was transferred but not once did I ever feel as if I didn't belong somewhere. Wherever my parents were was home. Wherever my family is, that's home to me. Gerwin doesn't seem to have that. He is VERY wise and knowledgeable. His views on his life and others really open your eyes.

Here is an insert from one of our email correspondence. Talking about being human.

TEN RULES FOR BEHING HUMAN

I. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.

II. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."

III. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

IV. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

V. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

VI. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

VII. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

VIII. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

IX. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

X. You will forget all this; this itself is but a lesson.

Gerwin is an amazing young man. I look forward to reading his long emails. Always refers to me as 'sis'. We never end our emails with 'goodbye', it's always 'until next time'. I feel a great connection with him as a brother although he truly is not. Together we are learning about each other's lives, the pros and cons of being adopted at a young age and being adopted at an older age. I do consider myself lucky to be adopted early on in life; however, reading about him reminiscing about the Philippines does make me slightly jealous.

Bethanians, We Will Always Have Eachother

Gerwin and I have been corresponding all day. He is currently in Dubai so he has actually been staying awake while he should be sleeping! LOL. He has given me much incite to his life and truly to mine. Because he was much older when he was adopted, he harbors feelings that I never had seeing as I was much younger when I was adopted. I feel for him. I hate to see the pain he has experienced throughout the years; however, it's like he said...what he has been thru is what has made him who he is today. That is true in all of us. We are who we are because of our life's experience but to add to that, we are who we are because of how we've handled life's experience. Right?

---

From: Lauren E Taylor [mailto:audienceof3@aol.com]
Sent: Saturday, April 24, 2010 5:07 PM
To: Legaspi, Gerwin R. HM3 (CVN69)
Subject: Your New Found FB friend

Gerwin,

I find your story quite intriguing. We were both at Bethany at the same time. So, since you were much older till you came to the states, what was Bethany like? What is the Philippines like? I’ve had multiple chances to go back but I feel that I am going back to somewhere that I know nothing of. I feel I will go back when I have more of a purpose. So have you always known about your family or did you have to go searching for the information? Also, I blog a lot about my life. Only certain people have access to the blog so with that said, do you mind if I blog about some of our conversations? This is definitely a part of my life and my connection back to the Philippines.

So what is your life like now? I read that you have 1 more year left…then what? Who adopted you and where do they live? My sister and I were both adopted from the Philippines; however, she came from Manila. So we are not blood related at all. Are you the only adoptee in your family?

Till next time,

Lauren

Lauren,

We were in Bethany at the same time? Interesting… lol… that makes you even cooler in my book. For me Bethany was closer to a family than my real family ever was… so in a way Bethany was home. I wish I had a wand to take my memory out and let you see… like in Harry Potter… It’s hard to explain to you since you are not me… everyone experiences things differently… for me the Philippines was a hard and trying life… it sucked… but it made me who I am… I am who I am because I am… nothing more… and nothing less. I am a better person for it I think. As for my family… they are in my memory… I remember them… and I remember losing them. Yes you may blog about our conversation… your are as much a part of my life as I am yours. We are connected by fate… I personally believe that when God created us he gave us two things… Fate and Freewill… Freewill is everything you can control… and Fate is God’s will… everything else that you cannot control. You and I were destined by fate… and now our path has crossed again. I’m glad I found you my sister :-)

My life right now is a difficult one… it’s a path that is not quite clear to me. I am a Navy Corpsman… I enlisted back in 05 right out of high school. I’m committed for six year of my life. It has been an interesting six years or should I say… going to be… lol. I do have one more left after this July. I was in Iraq in 07-08 with my Marines… I came to my present command last year and deployed three days later to the same place we’re at now. This is my third deployment since 07… For a long while I thought I would stay… a lifer… military life is hard… but it became routine… and routine is easy. I can’t do this anymore though… I feel it as I feel the coming of change… the winds of change… I smell it… it’s time to leave. I made this choice a couple of months ago… another reason I joined the Navy was because I didn’t know what to do for College and I didn’t want my adopted parents to be spending another cent on me. They took care of me for a long while… I decided it was my turn to build my life with my own two hands and at the same time give back to this country that I’ve come to love so much. Well I’ve done my time I think… and now it’s time to think about the future and maybe start a family of my own. One thing for sure though… I want to adopt and give another kid the same chance I was given. So for now the putting my life together is my priority… I’m a little behind on the whole college thing… I’ve been a little busy these past few years with deployments. So I’m going to have to bite my lip and get it over with… going to try and become a physical therapist I think and perhaps I’ll think about coming back in to military life but as an officer. At least that is the plan I see for me.

I was adopted by Steve and Malinda Wynn. They have two children… one the oldest… my sister Kelley Irvan from my mom’s first marriage… the other… the youngest. Robert (Rob or Robbie) Wynn their only child together. So I have an older sister and a younger brother. He was two when I came to the family. We first lived in Winston-Salem, NC then we moved to Eagan, MN… and finally moved to Loveland, OH where I joined the Navy. So my heart has no home… which is probably why I feel so alone and on my own. Oh, and yes… I am the only adoptee in the family.

Okay… I told you part of my story… so now it is your turn. Also… you can read my “Notes” in fb… it is sort of like my blog… I started writing it in Yahoo 360… I’m glad it was easily transferred to fb because 360 was taken down. I suggest you read them… you’ll find out a lot about me.

Until next time sis…

~Gerwin~

Bethenian Brother

With Gerwin's permission, I'd like to share some of our conversations. I believe this will be very therapeutical for the both of us. More conversations to come.

"Between You and Gerwin Legaspi

Gerwin Legaspi April 23 at 2:56pm

Hi,

You recentely requested to be a member of the BCHC fb group page. Before I can confirm your request, please let me know how you are connected to Bethany.

-Group Admin

Lauren Kruse-Taylor April 23 at 2:58pm

jim cunningham. I was adopted from bethany when i was 13 months.

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Gerwin Legaspi April 23 at 6:38pm

Really? How cool... Mr. Cunningham adopted you?

I was adopted at the age of nine. I am currently serving in the Navy and deployed in the med.

Welcome my Bethanian Sister! I made the group for us... in hopes it'll help fill a small void in my heart... I think it is because I feel we all have that I made it. You see... you may not remember Bethany the way I do... I was nine after all... Bethany was the only place in the Philippines I called home and so I wanted to get in touch and share some stories.

You should talk to Perla Kellner... I never met another that felt the same way I did.

Anyway... I'm extremely busy... we'll have more time later to get introduced. When ever I get back from this deployment... till then WELCOME!

Lauren Kruse-Taylor April 23 at 7:15pm

Gerwin,
I have a blog laurenliztaylor.blogspot.com. I have currently going thru the same void. I am in search of my birth mom and Jim Cunnigham and Rose Longcob have been assisting me. How old are you? It could be weird that you and I were at Bethany during the same time. i have just recently reached out to other adoptees from Bethany. I feel the same void you have. I'm not quite sure what will truly fill it whether it's finding her and my brothers or what. I truly just have questions for her. I don't quite know if I want a relationship with them, I just want to know. I want to know they are still out there. I want to know I have someone who I take after in my looks. It would be great to keep in touch. Thank you for keeping America safe.

Till next time,
Lauren

Gerwin Legaspi April 24 at 2:57pm

I am 24 years old... I came to the states on Dec. 13 1994 ... wow... it seems forever ago. I guess I wanted to get in touch because my heart feels alone. I feel out of touch in this crazy world of ours... part of me is still in Bethany.

As the poem goes... "You never leave a place you love; part of it you take with you; leaving a part of yourself behing."

I too wonder about my biological parents... but unlike you I remember them. My mother is dead... my father is there somewhere... and three other brothers; but who knows where.

Right now I'm stuck in my own world trying to figure out my own life... one day I'll go back. Since I joined, I've deployed 3 times... this one will be my last I think. Than I'll get a chance to concentrate on putting my life together. I joined because I wanted to give this country back for giving me this chance in life... what better way to give back than give my own life... six years of it... lol. I'll have one year left after this July.

It seems you have your life put together... with a family of your own now I see. So this is a good time for you to search your past. I have to put mine together... and maybe start one of my own. Until then I hold my past as a memory.

Anyway take care... e-mail me

~Gerwin~"

Ruth McKnight

* These are pictures of what I grew seeing. I would look out my grandparent's house and I would see these views.

I feel that going thru the hardships with my family, we are the strongest and closest. After writing about my dear uncle, talking with my mom and cousins, all my feelings go back to my Grandma. To this day I cry wanting and missing her. She was a strong woman, just like the Ruth in the Bible.

Grandma was was born on August 23, 1928 in Cleveland, OH. In 1944 she married my grandpa, Allan McKnight and moved to Colorado where she was a ski instructor at Silver Creek. She taught all of us grandchildren how to ski. They lived in Silver Creek, CO close to a well known town of Winter Park, CO. My grandma was everything to me. She was my best friend. I see now that the times I had with her I took advantage of. If only I could go back and embracer her and tell her how much she means to me. I would.

November 18, 1999. My grandparents were on their way down to Denver for my grandpa's doctor appointment. Grandpa isn't allowed to drive so Grandma has to take over the task of driving to the appointments. A beautiful white blanket of snow covered the ground. Now unlike Amarillo, 3 to 8 feet of snow is not uncommon. It wasn't but 6 minutes into their trip they came upon Red Dirt Hill. Red Dirt Hill isn't a truly dangerous stretch of road, but if you don't know how to drive in the conditions of the weather, then it can become a driver's worst enemy. Underneath the beautiful blanket of snow was a layer of pure ice. As they came to the top of Red Dirt Hill an oncoming truck full of lightening rods was out of control. He swirved from one side of the road to the other...eventually striking my grandparents van...

Amarillo: I had a basketball game that day. I was in art class when the school secretary came and asked me to come to her office. I was laughing and kidding around the entire way there. Not knowing what was ahead. I turn the corner into her office and see my sister sitting there...it was then I knew something had happened. Not but 2 mintues later my mom comes rushing into the office with a face full of tears. She was trying to hold evertying back when she told us about the accident. The three of us just stood there and embraced eachother. The school administer came a said a prayer over us. Praying for a safe trip and for my grandparents. We got into our van and I couldn't hold back...I burst into uncontrollable tears. The only thing running thru my head was Grandma is healthy, she'll make it; however, Grandpa has survived 5 heart attacks, strokes, and just not healthy. He was the one I was worried about. We drove 8 hours making 1 stop in Colorado Springs to eat. The whole ride of was full silence except for the 2 or 3 phone calls that would interrupt the silence...

Colorado: Many witnessed the accident. Fire, police, and abulance were on the scene. They pulled my grandpa out first because my grandma was stuck. They ended up using the jaws of life to get grandma out of the van. She was bleeding internally and was not in stable condition. They ended up airlifting her to the Denver hospital...

With 8 hours down and 1 stop, we finally made it to the hospital. My aunt, unlce, and cousins had already been there. When we got there, grandma had gone into surgery and grandpa was already in a room. Grandpa was doing okay, he had broken ribs, cuts and bruises, and the soarness that comes iwth any wreck; however, it wasn't the same for Grandma. I remember we were only allowed 2 at a time once she got of surgery. It was just like the movies...my dad and I walked slowly to the double doors that lead into the ICU. The ICU had rooms with glass doors so you could see the patients. I remember looking up seeing my grandma's name on her tag outside the door. I hestitated, not know what to expect. My dad coaxed me in and I couldn't believe that was my grandma laying on that bed. Her cheast was so bloated from the bleeding, I couldn't see her face. I couldn't see her face. All I could see was her chest going up and down by the breathing machine. We didn't stay long, I felt like I was going to pass out. Once my dad and I walked out of the ICU unit, it was decided that us kids would go to my aunt's house. So me, my sister, and two cousins went home. I remember my older cousin, Brent, say to the parents, "Please call when you know something". I don't remember much after that. I don't remember what happened when we got to the house, I think we all were exhausted we all just went to bed.

November 19, 1999: I woke up, not remembering much...did the phone ring? Is she okay? I jumped out of bed, turned into the hallway and saw my cousin and his girlfriend sitting down at the kitchen table read the newspaper. I walked up to Brent and asked, "Is she okay?". He shook his head, "No, you need to go downstairs and see your mom". I knew it. She didn't make it. I didn't run, I didn't hurry to go downstairs to where my parents were sleeping. I got downstairs and noticed my Uncle from St. Louis (uncle Gordon) and my cousin from North Carolina (uncle G's daughter) were sleeping on the hideaway couch. I thought to myself, "When did they get in?" "I didn't know they were coming...of course they would stupid". I finally made it to my parents room. I opened the door quietly thinking they were still sleeping. They weren't. My dad was just holding my mom as she fell into his arms in grave pain. All I knew to do was run to her and hold her.

Family and friends started coming in. The next couple days were full of preparing a memorial service for her. About 4 days later we all went to grandma and grandpa's house in the mountains. Passing the wreck and still seeing car parts was the hardest to see. We had a memorial service on the deck at the house. It was cold but there were so many people there the warmth and love made me put the coldness aside. During the last prayer, a flock of geese flew over head. Almost like a sign that she was okay.

My cousins put a cross on the side of the road where the accident happened. Every time we go up there we are reminded of the pain she went thru but then we remember that she's in a much better place and we will see her soon.

(This post was very hard for me to write. My grandma meant the world to me. I'm sorry if some of this doesn't make sense. When I regain composure, I will go back and fix things that are mumbo jumbo.)

http://extras.denverpost.com/news/obits/mckn1218.htm

New Found Friend...Gerwin Legaspi

God has blessed me with getting in touch with another adoptee from Bethany. I feel like I am doing the right thing by searching for Flora. This is a long and stressful process but I feel I am getting closer and closer to the end.

I feel a connection with my new found Bethanian brother. We have only corresponded three times but even with that, I feel his void is the same as mine. It's not on our thoughts every day, it's just tucked away on the back burner. Voids we're not quite sure what to do with or make of it. I have yet to hear his whole story. Hopefully within the next couple days or weeks we can truly get a connection on how we feel and how we are dealing with it. Each to his own.

Finding new friends who experienced the same thing I did/am gives me hope. Makes me realize that my feelings are just me making them up or being ridiculous. They are truly there, I just haven't allowed myself to feel them. At this time in my life I feel a true sense of wanting to know where I came from. Close family members are becoming ill and reality is is that my family is aging and with that comes death. I want to know that there is more family out there for me. Sounds selfish and it is...I just want to know.

Hope to get in touch with Gerwin more often. I feel his stories of growing up can give me incite of what I don't remember. Like I told him, until next time.

My Uncle, the chef.

Uncle - miss you and this one is for you!

Dear ole Uncle Gordon. How I miss seeing you and hanging out with you. My fondest memories are with you in your sanctuary...the kitchen. I remember being at grandma and grandpas house watching you cook a 5 course meal for a family of 13. Watching you scramble in the kitchen with your t-shirt, cooking pants, and clogs on. The smells in the room made my mouth water. The smell of meats, veges, and then meringue cookies filled the air. As I sat at the table watching you scurry around, I realize now that I was seeing you at your best. In your own world doing what you love. You have inspired me to do what I love. Looking back, you always followed your love and passion for cooking. If you weren't cooking in your own restaurant in Denver across the street from the Capital building, you were teaching at the cooking schools. If you weren't in the kitchen whipping something up, you were at the grocery store buying your ingredients to whip something up. Uncle, I pray you can get back into the kitchen. I pray you can get back to what makes you feel good and alive. No more emergency runs, no more hospital stays. Do what you can to make you feel where you belong. Get yourself better so I can watch and admire you at your best. Whip me up some of grandma's favorite cookies.

* Pic: my mom and aunt flew up to St. Louis to be with him for his surprise birthday.

** Pic: I was VERY shocked to see these pictures. I hadn't seen my uncle since my Grandpa's funeral in 2005. This is NOT the uncle I grew up with. I can't believe the illness has made him age this much. It's like looking at my grandpa's twin brother. I will admit I cried when I first saw these. I asked my mom where my uncle went. This possibly couldn't be him. But it is...uncle, I pray we get you a new liver fast! You're on the list and that's the first step.

This post is dedicated to my uncle (of course). He has a bad liver. He's confused and not taking the meds which causes more problems. He has been placed back in the hospital today...we continue to pray.

Love you Uncle Gordon,

Your little niece

Australians...why did they get to go first?

So just spoke with Jim. I asked about the Australian family who was looking for their bio dad. It seems they already have been in contact with him and their brother. This is slightly disappointing.

Audienceof3 7:32 pm
(7:32:12 PM): we are definately getting rain. Right now the park by my house is flooded. and I live in TEXAS!
Jim Cunnigham 7:33 pm
(7:33:04 PM): now a days with the weather its all or nothing
Audienceof3 7:33 pm
(7:33:53 PM): lol...
Jim Cunnigham 7:34 pm
(7:34:24 PM): have you had further contact with your relatives?
Audienceof3 7:34 pm
(7:34:43 PM): no...meaning my parents or Flora?
Jim Cunnigham 7:35 pm
(7:35:18 PM): have you had any news from Rose Longcob?
Audienceof3 7:35 pm
(7:35:43 PM): no, i haven't heard anything.

(7:35:51 PM): I'm trying to be patient

(7:36:00 PM): have you heard anything?
Jim Cunnigham 7:36 pm
(7:36:17 PM): i'm sure you will eventually its just money is very tight as of now etc
Audienceof3 7:36 pm
(7:36:35 PM): understood. i did read how they are cutting back costs and what not
Jim Cunnigham 7:37 pm
(7:37:07 PM): yes not like before when there was more money

(7:37:38 PM): don't give up hope and I will push for you
Audienceof3 7:38 pm
(7:38:04 PM): aw thanks. Have you been able to find anything for the australian family? no details needed, just wondering
Jim Cunnigham 7:38 pm
(7:38:46 PM): yes their father has already contacted them and also a brother
Audienceof3 7:38 pm
(7:38:56 PM): oh wow. how exciting is that!
Jim Cunnigham 7:39 pm
(7:39:37 PM): thats why i say just be patient and you will also be rewarded i'm sure

(7:40:14 PM): Lauren I must go as my wife is calling me so take care and chat again soon x
Audienceof3 7:40 pm
(7:40:22 PM): okay, have a good day

What it would've been like to live w/out internet

* These are collages of some pictures I've taken throughout the years. Enjoy!

Ever since Saturday I have been experiencing internet difficulties...meaning...no internet connection what so ever! So here I sit at Hard Back Cafe in the Hastings on Gem Lake. Trying to catch up on my email (wishing for more information from Rose or Jim - haven't received anything to say the least), catching up on Facebook, ordering some pictures from Walgreens, and of course catching up on my blog.

I find that when I'm without internet, I actually sit and find something to do i.e. read, crochett, knit, etc. Who would-a thunk that you can do more things in your life other than sitting on the internet surfering the same webpages every 5 minutes. Hmmm...this is a new concept for me. LOL!

Hopefully I will have internet connection back soon. It feels like not having my cell phone on me during the day...just lost. LOL. Glenna, what would you do without Facebook? That's me without my internet. Oh well, i'm in high hopes that it will get fixed soon. Until then, look what I've been doing w/out the internet.

The past couple of days

The past couple of days makes me realize I know nothing about my medical history. What issue contributes to what, what makes this worse...all I know is that is all seems to relate back to my Adrenal issues. Hereditary issues are a pain, especially when you can't go back and ask questions to the people who passed it onto you.

It's been a couple of days since I've heard from Rose or Jim. I'm being patient with the Lord's help; however, my human self is struggling with it all. I had a dream the other night that I was back in the Philippines. I pictured a lush jungle area with gorgeous flowers and pretty greenery. I'm sure I pictured this from seeing photographs of the Philippines, but none the less it was very pretty. No one was in my dream, just me wondering thru vegetation. Almost feeling lost. How convenient is that.

Glenna, you're too funny. You're comment about learning things in your 20's made me grin a bit. Going thru life and learning things is a lot easier said than experienced. That's for dang sure. If life was too easy, then no one would truly experience life to it's fullest.

Well, till I have more to express, I'm just going to sit hear and listen to D.M. Band "You and Me". Glenna, you rock for loving DM!!!

Rose Longcob

Finally received an email from Rose. Gives me more hope!

"Dear Lauren.

Mr and Mrs Jim Cunningham provided me with a copy of the e-mail you sent to him dated 03/31/2010.I am very happy to hear that you want to keep in touch with us an especially your birth mother. I cannot right away give you any information that you need about your biological family right now not unless I go to Salay Misimis Oriental which is approximately 2 ½ hours drive from Bethany. I am very willing to go there and to search and enquire again about the whereabouts of your birth mother but I cannot promise when. Bethany has been prioritizing our expenses because we are experiencing some financial distress right now and the children/babies food and milk is our priority right now. We are minimising our long distance trips to cut down on expenses but I will try to request if I could have a trip to Salay.I will let you know through Mr Cunningham any progress of your request.

Again on behalf of the Bethany family, we are indeed very happy to hear from you.

God bless you and your family.

Sincerely yours.

Rose A Longcob. RSW. "

Reagan

This last weekend my younger sister, Reagan, had senior recognition in softball. I can't believe next month she graduates. It seems like yesterday we would hide in eachother's room doing nothing, yet feeling like a rebel because we were up past our bedtime.

We have always been close. It seems now though we are growing apart in some areas but growing closer in others. I definately feel like somethings are easier to talk about. Such as this quest for my birth mom. I've decided to talk to her about it soon.

I can't believe I'm writing this or saying out loud to myself but I find myself quite jealous of my sister. Especially during this time as she ends her highschool years. I feel that everything my parents and family are doing was never done for me. Granted...definately granted...I was in a completely different situation but I still graduated. I still received my highschool diploma from the same highschools he is getter hers. I was just removed off campus. It just seems that my family concentrated on the negative things that were happening in my life, rather than the things I did accomplish. It's not even acknowledged that I even graduated. It's not talked about. My parents ordered my senior ring and then the minute I told them I was pregnant, they cancelled the order. It's not that I don't want my sister to get everything she's getting. She worked hard for everything and deserves it all. I just hold resentment towards my family because I graduated, too. I graduated on time - could've walked with my class but the school board wouldn't allow it. I know I was in a differen time in my life when I graduated, and I know that the fact that I made a mistake shadowed my graduating. It's just hard. Like my mom today said, "Lauren - Ray has just worked so hard. I'm so proud of her. I can't believe she's graduating". Ok mom, I am proud of her and remember, I graduated too. Am I being selfish and unrealistic about things? Can I have these feelings? Should I have these feelings? I feel guilty about the way I feel, but it's hard not to. I'm definately the 'failure' child...might be too strong of word but everything I did accomplished just was shadowed by my mistakes. Why? I hope I never understand the way my parents felt when I hurt them back then, but I feel that I won't know how they feel until I walk in their shoes. And that's that.

Here's a pic of my sister with my parents on Senior Recognition Day.

Making Sense of the Past Two Days

It seems that the lack of sleep is causeing me to go into hystarics and confusion.

Thursday: The entire day was fine. It was long but I had volleyball games that night that I was looking forward to. My games weren't until 8:30 and 9:30 and I had the house to myself. I laid down on the couch thinking I'll treat myelf to own of my movies and use this time to relax. Shortly after getting myself all comfortable, I fell asleep. Not quite sure how long I was asleep but when I finally woke up, I was in a dead panic. I couldn't figure out what I was supposed to do, couldn't figure out what time it was. I looked at my phone and my computer but for some reason I didn't trust the time. So in my dead panic I start thinking I'm late for my volleyball games. Because I didn't trust the time, I started calling people to see what time it was as I am running to the bath tub to shave my legs (don't want to wear shorts for a game with stubby legs). I'm running around the house like an idiot, had anyone saw me they probably would've thought I was on drugs. I finally get he realization that it's only 7:40 and I have plenty of time to get to my games. I try to calm myself down but m body won't stop shaking. I'm starting to feel a little sick. Needless to say, I made it to the games and after a little bit of warm-up I felt fine.
I don't know what to contribute my panic mode to. Glenna, what do you think? Here are some things in my life that I guess could, maybe, partially add to it: lack of sleep, my uncle has a kideny that is failing him and just got on the donor list (we all know he needed to get on that list sooner), my aunt has brain cancer and the doctors couldn't remove all of the cancer when they went in for surgery three weeks ago, my sister graudating which is supposed to be happy but it just makes me realize that the old times are gone and now we're moving on, and of course this never ending search for Flora that makes me realize that I have no patients - I too anxious. Dr. Kerr, MD, diagnose me please!!!! LOL!

More good news

Good news Greg Longcob called into our house this morning and I passed your details and request to him to give to his wife Rose.

Audienceof3

11:45 pm

Audienceof3 (11:45:47 PM):

oh wow! Thanks!!!!!!

Jim Cunnigham

11:45 pm

Jim Cunnigham (11:45:58 PM):

either she will be in touch with you direct or through me

Jim Cunnigham (11:46:17 PM):

lets keep our fingers crossed

Audienceof3

11:46 pm

Audienceof3 (11:46:27 PM):

OMG, thank you SO much Jim!

Jim Cunnigham

11:46 pm

Jim Cunnigham (11:46:54 PM):

if I can help you I surely will