Reagan

This last weekend my younger sister, Reagan, had senior recognition in softball. I can't believe next month she graduates. It seems like yesterday we would hide in eachother's room doing nothing, yet feeling like a rebel because we were up past our bedtime.

We have always been close. It seems now though we are growing apart in some areas but growing closer in others. I definately feel like somethings are easier to talk about. Such as this quest for my birth mom. I've decided to talk to her about it soon.

I can't believe I'm writing this or saying out loud to myself but I find myself quite jealous of my sister. Especially during this time as she ends her highschool years. I feel that everything my parents and family are doing was never done for me. Granted...definately granted...I was in a completely different situation but I still graduated. I still received my highschool diploma from the same highschools he is getter hers. I was just removed off campus. It just seems that my family concentrated on the negative things that were happening in my life, rather than the things I did accomplish. It's not even acknowledged that I even graduated. It's not talked about. My parents ordered my senior ring and then the minute I told them I was pregnant, they cancelled the order. It's not that I don't want my sister to get everything she's getting. She worked hard for everything and deserves it all. I just hold resentment towards my family because I graduated, too. I graduated on time - could've walked with my class but the school board wouldn't allow it. I know I was in a differen time in my life when I graduated, and I know that the fact that I made a mistake shadowed my graduating. It's just hard. Like my mom today said, "Lauren - Ray has just worked so hard. I'm so proud of her. I can't believe she's graduating". Ok mom, I am proud of her and remember, I graduated too. Am I being selfish and unrealistic about things? Can I have these feelings? Should I have these feelings? I feel guilty about the way I feel, but it's hard not to. I'm definately the 'failure' child...might be too strong of word but everything I did accomplished just was shadowed by my mistakes. Why? I hope I never understand the way my parents felt when I hurt them back then, but I feel that I won't know how they feel until I walk in their shoes. And that's that.

Here's a pic of my sister with my parents on Senior Recognition Day.